


Please don't look

by lake_otter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan is complicated, Gen, M/M, Phil is calm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 02:45:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13067469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lake_otter/pseuds/lake_otter
Summary: Some people on YouTube say Dan isn't a very nice person.





	Please don't look

"Why can't I express an opinion? I actually genuinely don't like them", - he says, switching his weapon. These guys behind the base building won't know what got 'em.

He glances at the chat real quick and suppresses a sigh. He should have known better.

"Guys, chill. I won't go on about Dan and Phil anymore, mostly because I don't want to. I used to talk to Phil, you know? Way before, on conventions and stuff. But now I can't even speak with him a little. I don't want to gossip or anything. But yeah, no more talking to Phil. And I can just say now I don't like these guys. It's allowed".

Way before - way before Dan came along, he wanted to add, but then thinks better of it. Thing is, Dan's personality is about as ugly as it gets. He's a snob, he's standoffish, he thinks so much of himself he will do absolutely nothing even to be simply polite in social situations. And that would be fine, but they were all kinda forced into those social situations sometimes, with YouTube stuff mostly, and it is always better not to be in a presence of a person who will not say hi back to you. And that's only half of what's wrong.

**

Dan collapses on the couch.

"I am so tired", he says. 

Phil shrugs.

"You didn't even have to go".

"Shut up".

Phil shrugs again and goes to fix himself a coffee. He spent the day inside. He would have gone with Dan, but Dan had specifically said that he wanted to go alone. Phil hadn't been very surprised. It came in waves, this tiredness of being always considered one part of a double deal. Dan was on the verge of one now.

"Did anyone ask about me?", he shouts from the kitchen.

"What do you think?"

Phil seriously considers this for a moment. This was a closed event, so not many fans could have sneaked through.

"Caspar probably did".

Dan doesn't answer. When Phil comes back from the kitchen, he's on his phone already, hunched over and deaf to the world.

Phil doesn't bother continuing the conversation. Instead, he busies himself with his plants, which he hadn't watered in a while. One of them needs a pot exchange as well.

It takes about twenty minutes, and he's on the other side of the house when Dan predictably gets lonely. He enters the room Phil's in, and Phil can almost feel how he's trying to come up with something sarcastic to say.

"I see you're busy with important things", is all he manages at the end.

"Do you want to tell me about the prince?"

"Yes, the shoe matched and he's taking me on a honeymoon in a magic pumpkin".

"Like you'll fit in any princess shoes".

Dan crosses his arms.

"A girl can dream".

"What's with you?", asks Phil quietly. Something's off.

"Nothing", again, predictably, says Dan. He's not leaving, though. He sometimes reminds Phil of their friend Bryony's cat, who always follows her wherever she goes in the house, just to sit near, not even demanding head rubs.

Maybe she gets lonely.

Maybe she wants to monitor things.

Phil wishes that this moment would be over. He wants to lie down and calmly watch some anime. He maybe want a head rub himself. And pizza. But Dan was all over the place not so long ago, it had only gotten better in the second half of this year, with some meds, some gym, some therapy. So he braces himself.

"Come on, - he encourages, - spit it out".

"I have no idea what you're talking about".

"Alright, - he sits on the bed. - Tell me how was the event. Who was there? Did they ask something you didn't like?".

"No, it was fine", Dan looks like's about to snap, but thought better. He plops himself on the bed next to Phil. "I just felt sorta out of place, you know".

"You always do".

"Mhm".

"So what's the deal?"

"It would make me sound like a moron. Like a needy moron".

Phil doesn't need to hear more. He knows, now.

"Dan, you really don't have to do this to yourself. You know I would have gone with you".

"I am fucking twenty-six. I am not a child!"

"You know it's not that".

"It's not like we're married". We shouldn't be attached at hip, he probably wants to add, but doesn't.

Phil sighs.

"You know I firmly believe a person needs to do what feels good, and live his life how he wants, without judging himself all the God damn time".

"Says every pedophile ever".

"Dan".

Dan slides down onto the floor, so he's not looking at Phil.

"You don't know half of it".

"I think I might", says Phil softly.

"I am crazy. Like, literally, not well in the head".

"I don't..."

"Oh, you would care. If you knew".

Eight years, thinks Phil. Who do you think I am.

Instead of asking, he ruffles Dan's hair and gets an angry mumble in return.

"Let's go to the kitchen and get some... wine, - he says, - and you'll tell me all about it".

"Or maybe we can watch some Food Wars instead".

"Maybe that".

**

Dan narrows his eyes at the screen.

"Phil is much uglier than Dan".

"Dan's defs at least bi-central. When he was 18 he was like the twinkiest twink that ever twinked"

"Dan could do so much better than Phil".

He looks at the comments some more. Something grabs his attention more than it should. "Bi-central", a bizarre word, someone used to say it a lot. Ah, right. It was Chris. Sweet Chris.

Chris who had to go.

Dan tries not to think about it too much. It just happened. It sometimes happens. Chris had to go.

Just like Adam before that. And Jonathan. And some others.

It's all fine, it's fine, he surges on through his own thoughts, not stopping on anything.

He reads the comments again. He looks at the words of people who think he's pretty, a catch, who think that Phil somehow holds him back, that Phil is so old, so not right for him, so less than him.

He marvels at them. He smiles.

He sees himself from the side, this pretty boy outer skin. Something fuckable, yes, especially since he got thinner again, and sorted his hair out. Please look at me. Please want me. Please think I'm the pretty one.

Under this layer, there's nothing for any of you. It's dark and bitter, it's not nice, it's not good in any way, and it's none of your business. Don't go into this locked basement, oh you naive girl from the horror movie. What's inside is not for your eyes.

But please look at us two on screen and want me.

Please don't want him.

I'll get even prettier, I promise.

Please don't look at him.

Please don't look at him.

He's mine.


End file.
